Here's to Goodbye...

... Tomorrow's gonna come too soon.
These words cannot begin to capture how much I feel the weight of the 8 weeks I've spent here in Honduras hanging heavy on my shoulders, and on my heart. I regret that I cannot stay here longer - that I cannot offer more to the communities here who have so little and yet have hope that they can make it through life every day despite their monumental difficulties. I think I can draw from that vast depth of strength and take some of that determination with me back to Duke - to share with everyone I know to inspire others to work tirelessly and without hesitation because we're all capable of it. We're all capable of fighting for what we believe in. Here it is family, it is food - it is meeting the basic needs to live despite not having a regular source of income and all of the uncertainty towards the economic future that the political tension here has cast on everyone - even neighboring countries that rely on Honduras as a passageway from Guatemala to Nicaragua. At the same time that I can't believe I'm leaving here, I am so grateful that I am - that I have the opportunity and privilege to do so, to see challenges and yet return to my comfortable life, only to enjoy luxuries that people here may never enjoy. It saddens me, truly, this difficult reality, and yet I choose to confront it with hope and not guilt. I choose to use my privilege to benefit those whom I will serve in the future. We are not born into fair conditions, but that does not mean that we have the luxury to sit and watch and agree that it's just unfair and there's nothing we can do about it. There is something - even a small thing, even just spending time with people here and bringing them several items that will hopefully help them even for a short while - it is something, not everything, not even enough, but something large enough to inspire hope. I know that I am just one person, but this past year has shown me that even just one person with a vision and a tenacious commitment and passion can transform a small idea into a huge reality. Just last year I only hoped with my whole self that a program like this would be possible - that I could bring a health education program to a Spanish-speaking country and work with kids to empower them with health materials and information to help prevent disease. And all of my hard work this past year has come to this - to a moment of departure that I'm content with, having served four communities in a meaningful way through interviews about health issues, community health talks, donated medical and school supplies, and most importantly 4 health education camps that will hopefully inspire children here to put care and thought into taking care of themselves. Project HEAL has come to life. The spark of inspiration I had to put together this project has been aired into a fire, glowing and wholesome, a testament to hard work and perseverance even when other people doubted our goals and methods. This moment of feeling content has not come without tears shed for unforseen difficulties, frustrations over changes in plans, and anxiety and stress. I do not deny that the road was difficult nor that it has been a perfect journey, but I believe there is beauty in the imperfections - in striving towards something that may seem unattainable or only a vision yet can become reality - even a flawed reality but all the better because it is real and meaningful. The kids here have touched my heart and mind with something greater than I ever could have imagined - they have inspired hope in me that even making a small effort can build friendships and life-changing experiences. Passion is what this world needs more of, and love too. Love deep enough to transcend judgment and to leave behind fear of rejection - love with feeling enough to create a friendship out of broken feelings, to inspire a smile in a crying and frustrated child. I have witnessed this love - on both the giving and receiving ends. I will not let it go - I will not let this experience pass through me but rather continue with me as an undercurrent to my every action and decision. I will have the kids in mind when we choose new members, when we make decisions about the projects, when we solicit donations, when we think big about our goals and hope to serve the communities that have touched our hearts with compassion, love, and friendship. I know it is time to say goodbye - but only just for now - only for a short time and then we will return again and build on the foundation of friendship and trust we have worked hard for this year and summer. I will keep working hard and I work hard because I find value and beauty in the work itself, regardless of whether the outcome benefits me or not. Because I know that ultimately if I model diligence, passion, and love through my selfless actions, I will find friends and followers and hopefully bridge differences through my life's work. :) :) Ahorita, adiós, pero regresaré en el futuro... mis amigos y amores... te echaré de menos.

Simplification - all I need

Right now I'm listening to OneRepublic's "Say (All I Need)." To some extent, the lyrics sum up a mantra I've come to realize during my time here in Honduras - simplification. The song's chorus is "All I need... is the air I breathe... and a place to rest my head." It also makes a point to describe the soul as "a lovely soul." In essence, these are the basics in life - air, shelter, a good heart. Having lived in places where all I've needed was a good work ethic, some shabby clothes, and a vision to do the best I could to work with the community towards improved health conditions, I know that in general the philosophy of simplification is brilliant, albeit elusive. We lived without AC, TV, internet, a dryer, sometimes even running water in Porvenir. It was simplification to some extent and almost unbearable. I've grown up accustomed to certain luxuries that are simply nonexistant in the developing world - and mostly irrelevant to the culture's own basic needs and lifestyle. And it is hard to live without these "necessities" - I truly am an internet addict and have developed a lifestyle dependent on having information and communication easily and quickly accessible to me. It was a struggle to live in conditions where I had to go out of my way to communicate with my family back in the States. Yet in another sense I also gained an appreciation for being able to walk down the street and befriend neighbors and have a leisurely conversation without the pressure to hurry on with my schedule. I know that with accessibility comes the ability to schedule my life minute-to-minute. My iCal is generally filled up with colored blocks in tedium. Here I took a step back, took a deep breath, and considered really what was most important for the project - and hence for my daily life here as well. I valued individual connections more than my personal goals and saw value in leisurely chatting with my new friends.
When I return to the US, though I may not be able to pull myself away from my computer entirely (I need it to work!), I think I will place greater value on experiencing life firsthand and spending some extra time each day to stop by my friends' rooms and chat with them about life, even if just for a few minutes, because all of those small experiences add up into something strong and meaningful. This will be my own approach towards simplification - towards recognizing that all I need at the basic level is air, water, shelter, and a good heart. Moreover I'll have the ability to reprioritize what is important to me and despite my work and commitments, spend enough time with friends to truly build lasting connections even more so than I've done before. I'm looking forward to this simplification and to experiencing life to the fullest that I can, by creating my own experiences and persevering even when time seems to be wasted on silly moments - those moments could be the most cherished I'll have in a while and good relief from daily stresses and worries. :) I'm happy and looking forward to time back at Duke. I'm reluctant to say goodbye to Honduras and all the friends we've made and experiences we've had, but I know that the time is right to move on and inspire others to join our cause and help improve health conditions in Honduras. I know I'll carry the experiences and memories I have of this beautiful, tranquil place for the rest of my life and that I've grown from this experience as a better person and leader - someone even more intently focused on finding meaning in life more than simply just meeting my own expectations and goals for myself. I'm on a quest to enrich my life with as much meaning as I can find. My journey has only just begun and I'm looking forward to venturing further in my path towards medicine and self-discovery. :)

A small act of kindness

Last week I made a friend. This wasn't a friendship that arose out of a common interest, or through the convenience of living next door to a neighbor who happened to be the same age as me, nor attending the same elementary school, or taking the same AP class, or being on the same soccer team. This was a different type of friendship entirely, born unprobably out of monumental differences - different primary languages, cultures, ages, backgrounds, and personalities. It was a friendship formed on a small act of kindness.
Rosalinda is a special child. The volunteers here at the daycare know her as the 8-year-old girl who has boundless energy, a contagious laugh, and an annoying tendency towards mischief. She is eager to raise her hand at any opportunity, try to play whichever games she can - even if she is a bit too young to understand the rules fully, and generally just get her hands on any book available, spare pair of sunglasses, or try to take a picture with a camera. She is a bit hyperactive, but I find her endearing for her cute laugh and seemingly endless supply of energy and enthusiasm.
Last week some of the 10 year old girls at the daycare were playing "bate" - a game similar to baseball but with minimal equipment needs. The basic structure is to toss a foam ball to the batter, who uses their arm to send the ball flying and then run to different landmarks in the area - a tree, a rock on the ground, and 4 other similar bases. The older girls had asked me to play and I agreed. Rosalinda, of course, wanted to play too - and walked to me with her arms outstretched, shouting "yo! yo! yo quiero jugar!" (I want to play!) with her characteristic enthusiasm. The other girls groaned and told me that they didn't want Rosalinda to play - that she couldn't play. Ignoring their complaints, I offered Rosalinda my turn at bat. She hit the ball and ran to the first base, but she didn't know where to run next. The other girls and an older boy who is known to be mean at times got quite angry and yelled at Rosalinda to stop playing. The older boy - Presley - pushed Rosalinda away and she began crying. I am so used to seeing Rosalinda laugh her happy, enthusiastic laugh that I was saddened by her tears and obvious hurt. I had a decision to make. Many of the girls who were playing were my recently-made friends and in my mind I knew that standing up to them may change their high opinions of me. However, in my heart I knew that I could not let them treat Rosalinda with such annoyed attitudes and open contempt. I had to stand up to this bullying and comfort Rosalinda and also make sure that she could play "bate" too. I walked over to Rosalinda, calmed her down, and took her hand. I led her to first base - a tree in the center of the small field - and told the other girls that Rosalinda would run with me. I held Rosalinda's hand and she ran with me all the way to the sixth base. She was still noticeably upset but she had stopped crying. I asked her if she wanted to bat, but she shook her head "no" and looked at the ground. The second time at bat, I hit the ball and ran around the bases without her. However, for my third time at bat I let Rosalinda hit the ball before me again, but after I had explained all the bases to her to make sure she fully knew the rules. I encouraged her to hit the ball and to run, and cheered "Buen hecho!" (well done!) after she hit the ball and after each base that she ran. I was a personal cheerleader for her for the rest of the game, and I made sure that the other girls let her play. I could tell that they didn't necessarily agree with my decision, and there was some general grumbling, but they let her play. Rosalinda hardly left my side for the rest of the day. She grabbed my hand and led me from one activity to the next. After the "bate" game we colored pictures and kicked around a soccer ball and she was soon back to her happy, expressive laugh after cheering up towards the end of the "bate" game. Rosalinda can get on everyone's nerves at times, but she has feelings too and deserves a chance - even if she can't play a game perfectly, I believe she deserves the chance to try.
In this small act of kindness, our friendship was formed. The next day Rosalinda greeted me with outstretched arms in a big hug as she shouted "Ana!!" It made me smile to see that our friendship was still there the next day - that she had not forgotten my small act of kindness nor our newly formed bond. Despite the differences and the unlikelihood of bonding over something as simple as a game of "bate," I made a friend by intervening in a situation that I felt was unjust and hurtful to a Honduran girl. I had faith that every person deserves a chance to try something new and to belong to something that they have the desire and the enthusiasm to join. I acted and stepped in to stand up to bullying - to risk friendships with the other girls for just one friendship with a girl who was rejected by the others. I did the right thing and I hope that my small act of kindness touched Rosalinda's heart as much as her infectious smile and enthusiasm, boundless energy and even her mischevious tendencies have touched mine. :)

Artistic Piece #3

7-7-09 Journal entry - Political turmoil

Yesterday I saw a beautiful sunset. The clouds were lit up in deepening shades of red, purple, and blue - skillfully painted as if by an artist's hand. It was a peaceful backdrop to the Honduran mountains looking one way down the road and to the beach at the other end of the road. A tree with bare spiky branches provided a stark contrast to the richly adorned summer sky. With this beautiful, grandiose, and altogether serene sky, who would guess that the Honduran government is split between loyalties to two presidents and two schools of thought - Western Democracy and the Latin American leftist dictatorships veiled by democracies and the Alba alliance, yet really run by Chavez, Castro, and their socialist cronies. Mel Zelaya, Honduras' former president, is one of Chavez's buds and he had been taking steps to gain more personal power within the democratic framework, literally testing every check and balance of the Honduran government. On June 28, 2009 he had planned to hold a "public consultation" poll to ask the Honduran people whether they would support a motion to appoint a committee to revise the Constitution to extend the number of terms that a president can serve. This motion would have appeared on the November ballot, and would have followed in the footsteps of Hugo Chavez, who implemented a similar motion in Venezuela in the past so that he could serve unlimited terms as president (and essentially veil a dictatorship in the facade of a democracy). Earlier in June the idea to hold this poll (and thus pave the way for Zelaya to potentially serve more terms as president) had been criticized by the Congress and declared unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. The army also opposed this motion, and in retalliation Zelaya removed the head of the army - an action declared illegal by the Supreme Court. Moreover, Zelaya's earlier transgression was kicking out the organization that was planning to monitor the poll on June 28. By kicking out this organization, Zelaya made his intentions clear that he wanted full control of the outcome of the poll. It has recently come to light that Zelaya had generated two sets of ballots - one blank and the other already filled out so that the poll would be 80% in favor of his motion. These ballots were recently discovered in a hidden location and solidify that Zelaya's intentions were to skew the vote in his favor so that he could legitimize his illegal action to extend the president's term in Honduran government. He was sneaky, but not quite enough to pull the wool over the Honduran government. In a valiant effort to preserve democracy and not let Honduras fall prey to the dictatorship agenda that Zelaya had sought, the Supreme Court ordered the military to oust Zelaya on the morning of June 28 so that the poll would not occur. Thus the military coup d'etat was not a coup in the sense that the military seized the country by force and put a military leader as President - but rather the coup was a desperate attempt to prevent Zelaya from gaining momentum beyond the grasp of the Honduran government's checks and balances. The coup did not appoint a military leader but rather the Honduran government appointed the second-in-line to presidency, Micheletti (the head of Congress) as interim president. This coup was not an act of force so that the military could take over the government, but rather the military was simply the "bark" to scare Zelaya away so that the government could resume its democratic process. Zelaya was a threat to that process, and the government had no choice but to match Zelaya's threat with a warning of their own and to effectively salvage Honduran democracy. The Supreme Court and Congress had already tried - and failed - to prevent Zelaya from holding the poll that would legitimize his motion to set up a committee to change the Constitution. The government had no legal way to prevent Zelaya from holding the poll - which would have been corrupt - and since checks and balances failed the Supreme Court relied on force - not even force but just a large presence of military troops - to scare Zelaya enough to leave the country so that he would not debilitate Honduras' democratic government with dictatorship intentions. Although the poll itself may have been harmless and at least marginally consistent with the idea of democracy - to be a government for the people, Zelaya had planned to skew the results of the poll and to use the poll as a way to defend his later motion to change the constitution - something that would not truly be supported by the 80% margin he had illegally set up. He would have manipulated the democratic process so that it falsely appeared as if he had popular support when he may well have had less than 50% support for his motion. It is not democracy to manipulate a poll to a desired outcome, no matter what benefits he would have brought to the Honduran poor. How can you justify the potential end if the means are so corrupt? Moreover, he was operating at the margins of democracy, at best, and although he was democratically elected by the people three and a half years ago, I believe the government has the right to remove a president who has clear intentions to monopolize and manipulate the democratic government. And since the other methods of denying Zelaya power had failed, using a bigger threat - albeit not the ideal method of removal - was necessary in this case to put an end to Zelaya's attempt to usurp more power.
I absolutely disagree with supporting Zelaya just because he is the "legitimate" president, having been elected democratically by the Honduran people. By attempting to horde more power and to follow Chavez's lead, Zelaya did not act democratically. He had dictatorship intentions, and he tried to veil these intentions by going through a democratic process - but he would have gone against the will of the Honduran people and the Honduran government in doing so. It was a tremendous act in support of maintaining a balance of power between the branches of the Honduran government for the Supreme Court to order the military to oust Zelaya so that the head of Congress, Micheletti, could be interim president. It is not an ideal situation, of course, and it technically is a transgression against the "legitimate," democratically-elected President; however, it was a necessary transgression in order to maintain balance in the branches of the Honduran government. He had not actually gone against the Constitution, but he had intentions of doing so and the Supreme Court and military's actions were a preventative effort to preserve power within the reign of all the other democratically-elected officials in government, not just one man with intentions similar to Chavez. Rather than dismiss the June 28 coup as a regression to the 1980s military coups that placed militants at the head of power in Latin American countries, I think that the US needs to rethink what "backwards" means and to recognize the entire situation in Honduras as not just another military coup but as an action to prevent a corrupt president from using the channels of democracy to a dictatorship end. Supporting Zelaya as the "rightful" president just because he was democratically elected is a very superficial way to "support democracy." Zelaya may have been the "legitimate president," but his intentions to betray the people and the country who he was leading through his corrupt poll and intent to add more terms to his presidency should have made it clear to us that we should not trust his claim to democracy but rather should be wary of his strong alliance with Chavez. We need to consider the political situation in Honduras as a whole, not just freak out that there's a "military coup" in Honduras and that we need to reverse the effect of the coup to reinstate the "rightful" president. From a historical perspective, this military oust of Zelaya could have saved Honduras from falling prey to dictatorship intentions and yet another leader to vy with as an ally of Chavez. It was not a "backwards" move or a regression to militant rule as has pervaded Honduran and Latin American history, but rather a preventative step in the direction to preserve a democracy that was quickly slipping out of the other branch's control and falling further into the lap of Zelaya. We should not defer to the appearance of democracy without considering the potency of dictatorhsip brewing under the surface.
In my time here - and truly in the past few days - I've really had my eyes opened to a different perspective on the US and its foreign policy. Of course the US already is neck-deep in so many other global issues, particularly the Middle East, and Honduras only occupies a small speck of our attention, but being here in Honduras where this news is big news has convinced me that rather than act quickly to stanch even the appearance of violence, we should hold a magnifying glass to the problem to consider the entire landscape of the political situation rather than just a hot spot. If the US truly supports democracy, we should support the beauty and intricacy of the entire democratic process and realize that it's worth it to make some small sacrifices if the preservation of democracy is at stake rather than just support a surface-deep appearance of democracy embodied by a corrupt president who is an ally to our foes and who has dictatorship intentions.

Older reflections - Artistic Piece #2

I wrote this in my journal on 6-19-09, shortly after we arrived in Honduras:

"Adios, A-dios... mañana volveré ... A-dios, adios mañana volveré" resounds in my head and in my heart, and just ever so faintly in the distance, around the curved bend of the grassy road, at the Kinder. It is this endearing sound of familiarity that draws us every closer to the kids, and they to us. Each day is a fleeting moment, but it is a shared experience, a common thread that unites us through song and celebration.

6-20-09 Journal entry (continuation of "Artistic Piece #2")

Passing along a hug, a smile, or even a high-five nourishes the inner being inside us all, satiating our strong and ever-present desire to love and to be loved. The kids, just like us, are still figuring out what it means to be a human being. We come from different walks of life, certainly, and because of that we've become accustomed to different needs. However, I believe that on a basic level we are driven by the same essential emotional needs - we need attention from others to feel important, and to feel loved. We need - and strive for - praise and a feeling of having accomplished something on our own merit. I believe that on some level the kids are motivated by these emotional tethers - seeking connection through eye contact, attention, gratification & praise. Even the trouble-makers yearn for attention, but have somehow grown to seek it in a backwards way - through negative attention discipline, and frustration. On some level, even this type of attention is something the kids here cherish, because without it they only have neglect, disappointment, starvation, and boredom to look forward to. It is a hard life here, especially for the kids who live at Abuela's house. Ah, entonces la vida sea lo que sea.

5 Life Goals

I've decided to start tracking my life goals so that I can make active progress towards completing them. I'm using the site 43Things.com, which also has a cool feature that tells you your personality based on things you have done in your lifespan.
My top 5 life goals are:
1. Run at least one marathon ... before I'm 30.
2. Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro
3. Become fluent in Spanish
4. Be a bilingual doctor
5. Write a novel

Right now I'm working towards #3 in Honduras, hopefully will work towards #4 and #5 in the near future, and I'm hoping to do #1 and #2 right after graduating from Duke.

My personality - Extroverted Lifelong Learning Believer

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and
found out I'm an

Extroverted Lifelong Learning Believer

Top 8 photos in Honduras

Long Reflection - Unexpected Challenge

Here's a response to the first DukeEngage prompt: What has stood out as the most unexpected element of your experience? How has it reshaped your previous expectations? In what ways has this surprise positively contributed to your service experience?

It’s hard to pinpoint the most unexpected element of my DukeEngage experience. I guess on a personal level I didn’t realize how challenging it would be to live in much different conditions than I’m used to – faced with sweltering humidity, never-ending bug bites and encounters with crawling bugs on the floor, in the shower, and on the counter; living in a house with 9 other volunteers and all of the household challenges with cleanliness, waking up and rounding everyone to go on time, and cooking a nutritious meal with uncertain access to the fruits and veggies I enjoy at home. When I thought about my project and the work that I’d be doing, I didn’t think much about my living conditions at the volunteer house nor how added living challenges would affect my work performance. It was difficult at first to adjust to a situation I had never encountered before – vying with nine other people to meet my own personal needs to eat, drink, and sleep. At the volunteer house, my own standards for cleanliness were certainly not shared by many of the other volunteers, yet at the same time I had to adjust my own preferences to tolerate dirty conditions because it would have been exhausting to clean the house thoroughly and keep it clean. On one occasion, just after my group returned from a grocery shopping trip in La Ceiba, I went on a cleaning spree since I felt it an opportune time to use the Clorox wipes I had just bought. I cleaned the countertops, the stove, parts of the refrigerator, the coffee pot, the blender, the toaster, and then I even cleaned my bathroom. I felt empowered and a bit refreshed, feeling as though I had made my living conditions more “live-able.” However, to my dismay, the next day after all the volunteers had passed through the kitchen and the counter and the table that I had so meticulously cleaned, the house was again dirty, with unwashed plates in the sink and crumbs and opened packages on the countertop, and the ants were visibly back on the countertop. I learned from this that although I can put in my own effort to keep my own area clean – our bathroom stayed relatively clean after I spent half an hour wiping dirt away since only Melody and I used the bathroom – in general, it’s very difficult to keep public space clean when other people aren’t motivated or willing to do their part to clean the area. I felt frustrated at times because I always washed my dishes and put my opened packages of food away and generally kept my storage space compact and tidy. However, cleanliness was not so much a priority for the other volunteers, especially since the house was already dirty beyond redemption that keeping things very clean was nearly impossible and thus extra efforts were mostly futile.
Yet all hope is not lost – and rather than change my attitude to resignation, as I saw many of the other volunteers had become resigned to a perpetual state of un-cleanliness, I just vowed to do my best to keep my own items clean and to always contribute my fair share to keep the house clean through cleaning dishes, taking out the trash, and occasionally wiping down the countertop. I realized that sometimes compromises are ok and that I just had to have faith that everyone would try their best to keep everything clean. However, I acknowledged that given the unclean state of the house, sometimes even contributing enough effort to fulfill your “fair share” cannot surmount extenuating obstacles – like bugs constantly flying into the house and exhausting humidity and heat in a non-airconditioned house that kills motivation to do anything but sit in front of the fan after a long morning interacting with kids. Even though it was difficult, I learned that living with a lot of other people in a house poorly suited to accommodate the needs of everyone with respect to cleanliness can still build community around a desire to do things to take your mind off the heat and humidity and dirtiness. I enjoyed playing cards and monopoly and basketball with other volunteers, and venturing into the community to play with the kids on the corner and to do interviews, and heading over to the restaurant when we literally had nothing left to eat other than some peanut butter and uncooked pasta.
On the other hand, by living in such different conditions with additional hardship truly lent me a greater appreciation for my living conditions at home and at Duke. I reflected more on an idea that I had learned at Common Ground, that privilege means not having to worry about the little things. This was especially brought to light when I visited our Peacework coordinator at the Porvenir Inn, the local hotel in town. She had AC and internet and a TV in her room. We had no AC, no internet, no TV – and not having these things really put everything into perspective for me. I’m so used to having immediate access to internet at home and at Duke such that I spend a lot of my time on the computer. However, not having this in Honduras not only enlightened me to how incredibly privileged I am to have the world literally at my fingertips when I’m in the US, but also to think about people living in Porvenir in even more compromising living conditions than me. I found it difficult to live in a house without AC and the internet; yet I still had access to purified drinking water, running water in the sink, a toilet and shower and electricity, and fans, a bed, pillows, a washing machine, and enough space to sleep 10 people, albeit a tight squeeze. Although it was admittedly a step down from living at Duke or at home, it was unimaginably a better living situation than many of the people in Porvenir, who have very limited electricity, if any; who get their water from a faucet that probably brings them contaminated water and gives them parasites; who probably don’t have as many fans as we had in the volunteer house; who wash their clothes with washing boards and hang them to dry on clotheslines outside; who may not even have beds or pillows or enough space to comfortably sleep all of the family members. The women in Porvenir get up at the first light of dawn to work on the day’s chores – cooking and cleaning and looking after their kids – and undoubtedly worry about so many more little things than I probably ever will have to worry about. Even the poorest households in the US have more access to basic needs than the poorest in developing countries like Honduras – where the corrupt government and limited infrastructure guarantees nothing to struggling impoverished families. In a conversation with a cab driver here, I learned that the poor constitute nearly 70 percent of the population and the other 30 percent are rich politicians and land-owners. Many of the people in Porvenir and surrounding areas work for Standard Fruit Company, which owns Dole. This multi-national corporation exploits cheap labor and reaps the benefit for themselves. Doctors here earn minimum wage and contend with difficulties unimaginable to health professionals in the US – limited supplies, technology, insufficient staff, limited beds for patients and no personal rooms, just open areas and large waiting rooms for recovering patients. Some clinics in rural areas may not even have access to running water or have a way to sterilize equipment and it’s really a double-edged sword because the people here are not content with the health services offered yet the nurses and doctors are strained with limitations on resources and basic clinic needs and above all the government has not provided the country with proper infrastructure to meet the health care needs of the people here. It’s hard to determine the exact cause of how all of this came to be – what came first, a chicken-vs-egg story if you will between corruption and the influence of multinational corporations. Add poverty and contaminated water to the mix, and you’ve got a helluva witches’ brew. The multinational corporations, like Standard Fruit, carry with them an even worse form of the pervasive “machismo” here in Latin America – the ideology that men here can call all the shots without consequences, including domestic and child abuse, drunkenness, gambling, irresponsibility with regard to finances, family needs, and general “macho-ness” carried to an extreme. Companies like Standard Fruit come in with the hope to pay people the least amount they will accept so that they can reap the most profit. Beyond that transgression in the name of “efficiency” or “maximized revenue” – with a failure to carry the actions through to see the consequence paying people less than is enough to feed their family – Standard Fruit and other companies compromise the health of workers by exposing them to cancer-causing and otherwise hazardous and toxic chemicals. And on a community level, the runoff of pesticides into the Porvenir river is very damaging to the health of people that bathe in the river, swim in the part of the ocean that the river feeds into, or really have any contact with the river at all. Failure for the government to install a trash-collection and recycling system is also damaging to public health because people are inclined to burn their trash – plastic and all – which releases chlorine gas and other air-polluting fumes into the air that people breathe in every day. And the most basic need of all – clean drinking water – is not a right but a commodity, a luxury if an individual has enough money to afford it. Many of the families here are only able to survive from receiving money from relatives living in the US – money to complement the meager earnings they scrape off of working in the piñeras (pineapple fields) or selling fish they’ve caught in the Caribbean Sea. Many people have complained that there aren’t work opportunities here, and seem to think that the only way to help the environmental and health challenges are through outside organizations coming to provide healthcare services or create environmental projects. From a volunteer standpoint, my hope is that motivated individuals will continue on with the projects I help launch in the community. One of the obstacles to this goal is that many people in Porvenir are not motivated to do projects on their own because they have lost faith in the government to the point that they have lost faith in themselves and their own power to rise up out of their impoverished challenging conditions to do something about the problems they face. The government’s inability to provide infrastructure to meet basic needs has stripped the people here of confidence that they can make a difference in their community through working together to solve a common problem. It is enough of a challenge for people to care for themselves and their children and their extended family and to cook and clean and scrape up enough money occasionally for healthcare. It is a different philosophy here than in the US, where we have the resources and the privilege to believe ourselves invincible and able to meet our individual goals as well as make a difference on a community level. In Honduras, partly due to the limited resources and the daily struggle to meet basic needs and partly due to resignation that individuals are powerless to larger corporations and the government that takes advantage of the people with no regard to their well-being, life is slower, difficult, and challenges are debilitating. It shouldn’t have to be this way – no one should fall victim to a vicious cycle of poverty and exploitation and health and environmental concerns through the roof. I think in a way that the people have learned to deal with it not by helplessly trying to surmount challenges through collective action, which may or may not – likely not – be successful (without outside help), but rather people have learned to do what they can to take care of their families and to acknowledge that some things are beyond their control. People here are friendly – and likely have united through shared challenges to build community. In a way, although it seems to avert the staggering problems of poverty and unsanitary conditions, it is a method that may not surmount the challenges but to find peace despite the challenges.
Returning back to my initial thoughts on cleanliness of the house and doing my best to contribute my fair share of the household duties, acknowledge that some things were beyond my control, and build community around shared challenges by socializing with fellow volunteers, I can almost fully empathize with the people here and their choice to build community around challenges and commiserate together, each doing the best they can to keep their family afloat. Perhaps adrift or perhaps plummeting down an ever-stronger current of rising challenges, the ebb and flow in Honduras softens the presumed daily struggles with poverty and limited healthcare with an attitude of gratitude for life and sharing life with others and accepting delays and obstacles as a part of life. “Life” in essence is completely different here – it is not intensely focused on meeting personal goals and individual accomplishments and statistics technology convenience and efficiency, but it is rather a well-worn fabric interwoven with challenges and small triumphs, of patience and perseverance, of community and talking and finding simple pleasure, or at least feeling content, in cooking for a birthday party and sharing stories with friends and playing soccer in the park, sitting in the shade, eating mangoes, and accepting daily problems as something to keep you occupied and fulfilled in providing and caring for your family. It is not a culture that would necessarily mesh well with the US, which is so fast paced and work-oriented to the point that we have left behind community and socializing and patience in favor of TV and isolated success and superfluous commodities and superficial parties. We may not even know the neighbors down the street in the US, whereas here everyone knows everyone in their near vicinity and people spend a large part of their day sitting and talking or taking a nice stroll or going to church each night or just passing the time with neighbors here. Community is so much more than having one shared interest, but truly it’s having a shared underlying understanding about a complex situation and a shared attitude about what life is and what is important in life. Day by day, people are patient and wait for food to cook or for kids to draw or play or for the clouds to pass over the sun for a minute to get a bit of shade or for the rain to come or for the mangoes to fall off of the trees or for the kids to finish eating food so that they can feel better and so that the food scraps can go to the starving dog. It is a different life here – in ways simpler but in ways enriched with a stronger community bond, the kind that is built around shouldering a hefty burden and the unspoken understanding that your neighbor shares that burden as well. There is not so much a shared responsibility for community problems – since so many are the result of multinationals’ or the government’s negligence with regard to meeting people’s basic living needs – but I would describe it more as a strong understanding about what problems most people face in the community, whether or not there’s any good solution to them. I think in the US there is some awareness but not enough of a shared understanding that people are worse off than others and that poverty exists to a significant extent in some communities and households. In the US, we have more of an attitude of inferiority in the middle class, of “keeping up with the Joneses”, of wanting the next bigger, better, newer item, of striving for personal success even if it means life will be harder for someone else. Middle class neighborhoods in the US are still privileged with clean water, electricity, modern conveniences like refrigerators, AC, TVs, computers, internet, ample food available at a reasonable price at the grocery store, and so many other commodities that people in Honduras and other developing countries may never enjoy. We have cars and roads and bridges and enough infrastructure that we can get around easily, buy food easily, learn about news easily; we have good education systems and a decent healthcare system and generally just such privilege not to have to worry about meeting basic needs. Schools in Honduras are inconsistent; the government doesn’t pay teachers much and even the amount of education people receive is very inconsistent. Many of the women I interviewed had only a sixth grade education – and some only had a third grade education. Learning here is more learning the ways of life – how to cook and clean and be a mother at a very young age. Education in the public schools doesn’t really get people anywhere if there are no jobs – and since women have to stay home and care for the kids anyways men must fill the role of working, but then because of machismo even the men are irresponsible and blow the family’s money on beer and gambling and the family suffers and it’s really a sad situation. It’s sad to see people so friendly suffer and not have the same chance in life to get ahead and rise up out of their impoverished conditions just because they were born into poverty and into a country where privilege is a luxury for the few and basic needs somehow fall into the category of “luxury.” It’s disgusting to think that the Standard Fruit company and the rich landowners here can continue to exploit people and reap benefit only for themselves while failing to think about the well-being of the people who they’re dependent on to work in their fields. I hope someday things will change and people will re-direct their attention away from greed veiled by “efficiency” so that people won’t suffer as much. I hope at the very least the world can take notice of the vast disparities between the privileges people in developed countries enjoy versus the failure to meet even basic needs like clean water in developing countries. Even that, providing access to clean drinking water around the world, albeit likely impossible, would revolutionize public health and hopefully empower people around the world. I would do it if I could, but I am just one person in a vast space of 6 billion people all vying to meet their personal needs. I think even providing clean water for one community in Honduras would make a huge difference. I’ve thought more about it and realized it would be an incredible challenge even just to do that – and that beyond that I couldn’t just provide clean water to one area and not to another in close proximity because that would inspire jealousy and would also encourage people to continue to be dependent on foreign help rather than taking things into their own hands on a sustainable level. What really is sustainable anyway? Is it making the most out of poverty and settling for “good effort”? Is it providing with initial equipment and ideas and expecting them to find the motivation to rise to the challenge? Is it putting a lot of faith in community leaders who may or may not be able to find enough help in the community to carry out the project? Or is it something different entirely that I haven’t considered yet? I’m thinking that putting faith in a community leader is a good way to go. But it’s so difficult with limited ability to coordinate things from the states to Honduras and with different expectations and a different viewpoint on life and its priorities, is it even possible to coordinate something as large scale as a water purification project carried out on the level of individual homes working through a community leader? These are questions I’ll continue to contend with as I think about project design for next year and at some level I’ll need to let the patience and friendly gratitude of the Honduran people seep into my thoughts and goals so that I can continue to have faith and persevere despite difficulties and to find happiness in the simple pleasures in life.

Reflections part trois

These past weeks have been filled with news and excitement ... so much so that I've barely had time to think and sleep let alone write and reflect. Zelaya, the Honduran President, was ousted with a military coup, and since then there has been a lot of political talk here in Honduras, albeit not much action. I've learned a lot about Latin American politics - about Alba and the Central/South American alliance, about how Zelaya supported los pobres (the poor) whereas Michelletti (the new interim president) has more support from big businesses and the rich, and about what various people in the community think will happen in the next few weeks when Zelaya returns, or doesn't return, whatever it may be. I hope that everything will stabilize, of course, because safety is important and we need to be able to get out of the country in 5 some weeks. However, in a way it's kinda exciting to be part of history and to learn more about Honduras' politics and to compare Honduras to all the other countries' governments I learned way back in AP Comparative Gov junior year of high school.
We're very safe in the volunteer house and El Porvenir, and even if something happens at the capital (Tegucigalpa) or in the major cities, I doubt much of it will reach us way over on the northern coast. So far life has carried on peacefully as usual in Porvenir; the fishermen fish, the pineapple workers work in the field; mothers cook and clean and care for the kids; emaciated dogs run around and scratch their legs; wayward cows moo and make their way through stagnant pools and parade their smelly selves around town; kids run around, playing in the dirt, on the soccer field, climbing on trees, throwing rocks to make mangos fall, jumping into my arms whenever the opportunity arises, and generally just being energetic, lively, friendly kids. And the fathers are a bit more removed - they work and then hang out in the pool halls and drink beer and occasionally cause trouble, none that I've seen, only heard of happening at late hours in the night. The pool halls are a symbol of Latin American machísmo, or male dominance, indicating that men here can do as they like with little consequence. It is rare to find a father who is around the home or around their kids for many hours in the day. Yet the people here are muy amable - or very friendly - and they are very charming as well. With all the interviews we've done - about 17 right now and counting - I want to just stay with people and talk later, about their lives here and what challenges they face, and also what brings them joy in life. Each time we meet someone new, I feel more connected to this place and I've already begun linking faces to the word "Porvenir."
Porvenir is a town full of all sorts of people - mostly friendly, some shy, everyone always waving and saying "buenos" (short for Buenos Días or good day in English) or "Adios" (goodbye) or "Hola" (hello) or "¿Cómo está?" (how are you?) or even "hello" or "goodbye." It's interesting that almost as much as I want to speak Spanish with people here and continue to improve my fluency, people here who know English are eager to speak English with us. We were talking with one of our friends here - Dani (or Oscar - he kinda goes by either name) - who was helping us scrape paint off the health clinic walls in preparation for a new painting this weekend. Akul was talking to Dani in broken Spanish and Dani to Akul in broken English, yet somehow they surpassed that language barrier and found a way to connect through a shared passion for soccer. They have loyalties to different teams and were each boasting that their team was better. It was quite amusing to watch, and on a deeper level quite amazing really that something like soccer could transcend the vast gulfs of cultural and lingual barriers to speak a common language of "sports." Dani has since played basketball with us for the past few nights, and he will even play a game of monopoly with us tonight after we briefly interview him. That is one of the greatest things about this project, truly, the people we have met. Everyone is friendly and loves talking with us - all of us - whether we speak just a little Spanish or are fluent like Michelle. It has been eye-opening to learn of a whole different world of sorts - really a whole different way of living. Around here, when people set times for meetings people are generally late if they show up at all. The Honduran life isn't centered around deadlines and stringent meetings and formality but rather wandering and free-flowing time and family duties and generally just a much more fluid work ethic. It was a bit shocking to me at first, and it has definitely tempered my high standards for punctuality and deadlines. We are right on target with our project and will probably surpass our research goals - but not because we were rigid about setting appointments with people, but actually quite the opposite. Most of our interviews have taken place from wandering around town and politely asking people if we can interview them about health. These have led to meeting some wonderful people, and to chatting after the interview for a while, and generally making new friends all around the neighborhood. I truly love the people here, and I'm so sad that we'll be leaving so soon. The fluid time has made it seem like we've been here for much longer than just 3 weeks, and also that we have much more time than just a week to learn about people's lives here. But, time goes on, relentlessly, unaffected by our work here. Everyone has been very hospitable and they all have expressed their happiness with us coming to work here. It is so rewarding to talk to people individually about all the problems that I had in the past only imagined affected people here. Although it's disquieting to realize that in many cases I was spot-on accurate for the issues that affect people - parasites, malnutrition, lice, and diabetes, it's good to connect with people and almost more touching to realize that these diseases affect people on a daily basis and impact their daily lives, albeit somewhat tragic. We have also learned of other illnesses that impact people here - cervical cancer, alcoholism, drug use, malaria, dengue fever, high blood pressure, arthritis, poor dentition, the flu, colds, and general aches and pains. It is amazing to me that somehow in the face of limited medical care, poverty (and thus an inability to foot medical bills or pay for medicines), and high unemployment rates, people here can accept the burden of living with parasites and other illnesses and continue on with their daily lives, friendly as ever. People here do not seem embittered by the monumental challenges they face. However, I've gotten a sense that it may be enough to shoulder the burden and live with the challenges rather than to be motivated to do something about the problems and actively combat them. People seem okay with passively dealing with individual concerns but it is extremely challenging to motivate people on a large scale to do projects that could improve their self-sufficiency. In one sense, I can understand because it seems that somehow as humans we learn to deal with the unique challenges - be they medical or something altogether different - we all face, but it is harder to empathize with the montón (mountain) of other challenges that we collectively face. We can fend for ourselves, and maybe our families if we overextend a little bit, just enough to get by - but it is another issue altogether to organize and motivate people to work together to resolve a common problem. Resources here are limited and many people live on a day-to-day basis, doing chores and cooking food and generally not planning much in advance because it is enough just to do and not to get caught up in something that may not even come through. As Americans, we have the convenience to have so many things provided for us - tons of food, conveniently pre-prepared, the internet at our fingertips, TV, phone, car, gas, etc. - that we are afforded time to plan ahead and keep a minute-to-minute schedule and go wherever we need to be in an instant. The pace here is much slower. People walk places, or if they want to go to Ceiba - a major city close to town here - then they can take a local bus which comes every hour. To find out news, they can talk to their neighbors or the local supermarket owner who has a TV to find out what is going on in the world. At a time like this when Honduras is in the news a lot, a suspect people do this a lot and talk a lot about Honduran politics. However, since life is a lot slower here, I feel as if in general people aren't too concerned with what is going on in other countries or in the world but are more preoccupied with taking care of kids and cooking and working and doing the day-to-day chores that keep life on track, albeit at a slower pace than I or any American I know would expect for our own lives.
In a way it is a very valuable lesson to know that life can continue and our project can continue and we can still meet all our goals and deadlines without really mapping it out minute by minute but just letting it happen naturally. As a generally optimistic person, I'm inclined to think that life always turns out for the better, no matter what happens, and so I think that things tend to fall into place at the right time. This is not to say that bad things don't happen or that sometimes everything seems very messed up and broken, but I think that eventually what needs to happen will, and if that means resolution, it will happen, and if it means perpetual brokenness - well I don't think that can exist. There must be some hope. And for our project - I think that the hope resides in the people here, that they can be so friendly and willing to talk to us and that despite the monumental obstacles they face - medical and otherwise - I think that by caring for themselves and their family maybe they can make things a little better. Bit by bit they can build up the economy and if altruists are willing to help, they will send doctors and money to build up the clinics here. It will take time and patience and money - lots of it - but I have faith in the people here and their ability to love and be loved. As it is, that is what drives life and what ultimately drives me to be here and experience life here firsthand and become even more inspired to do the best I can to help the people here and to love and be loved by all those whom enter my life. I'll have more philosophical ponderings later on... but for now it's time for that Monopoly game with Dani.
Hasta más tarde, mis amigos,
Anna

Weekly reflection

Some thoughts comparing the big city with the country in Honduras...

One of the first things that struck me as strangely familiar yet uniquely distinct to Honduras was all of the fast food shops that pervade the largest cities here. In San Pedro Sula, there was one block in the downtown area of the city where the fast food giants Pizza Hut, KFC, McDonalds, and Burger King intersected. It was a familiar sight, since many of the same places populate US cities, yet it was somewhat different as the fast food places here were on a much larger scale than at home, and seemed almost upscale compared to some of the local eateries. The sight of fast food industries towering over my head in the city left a big impression on me, one that I carried through in a metaphorical way to think about the looming crisis of healthcare here. Some people are overweight here from eating too much greasy, fat-laden, and nutrient-poor fast food and not enough vegetables and fruits. It saddened me to know that American-based companies were contributing to the health dilemma here so blatantly, not even in a stealthy way but in a showy, extravagant way. Hmm... well the countryside has been much different. After spending a few days in San Pedro Sula, we arrived in El Porvenir, which is a small, relatively calm village sandwiched between the ocean on one edge and the mountains just a bit further on the other edge. It is a beautiful little town, rich with friendly people, clothes hanging on clotheslines, roaming cows, chickens, and a few pigs, and lots of malnourished dogs that could use a bit more love. There are many children here, some without clothes, most with messy hair and paper-worn shoes, a few with old bicycles meant for adults. The village is mostly impoverished. Houses are fairly sturdy here, but it is apparent that money is scarce and healthcare even more scarce. There is a tiny clinic here, but it is not very well-maintained. We´ll get a chance to tour it next Tuesday, and I think it will be interesting albeit disheartening to see what sorts of resources are available there. It has been an exhausting week. We´ve played with the kids at the Kinder and they have left an impression in our hearts as they have been welcoming, adorable, and generally full of energy and life. It is sad to see adults here whose energy and fullness of life seems to have been wrenched out of them, by drops of sweat and hard work. I´m very excited to spend more time here and learn more about the people here, their culture, and their daily lives. :)

3rd day in San Pedro Sula

While we've been waiting in San Pedro Sula for our last student team member to arrive, we've had a bit of fun. The days have been getting better and better in Honduras. Yesterday we went to a Latin American carnival. It was very interesting and quite family oriented - kinda like a mini version of the North Carolina state fair. I did the bumper cars, the Ferris wheel - where you could see all of the Pizza Huts, Burger Kings, and city lights lit up. It was quite a sight. I also did a spinning cars ride that left me a bit dizzy and disoriented. It was great. Melody tried an interesting looking corn dish that had some "salsa negra" sauce on it - kinda a mix between mayo and ketchup and colored black. I had some "plátanos fritos" - some fried plantains, which were very good. And the best part of the trip thusfar was today. We went to a nice "Expresso Americano" nearby our hostel and I had a capuccino and a Coco cookie while we talked over all the documents we have been preparing this year. I could tell that the level of excitement definitely rose during this discussion - not only for me but for everyone. Melody and Adrian had the chance to explain their lesson plan ideas to Heather, and I had the chance to explain the overarching goals and ideas to everyone and go through each page of our documents. Heather told us more about how the school structure works in the communities. :) This was great. Then we walked about 10 blocks and found an amazing and humongous supermarket. I was thrilled to find that they had Kashi GoLean Crunch and organic whole wheat penne pasta and some organic mac & cheese too. :) I'm so excited for this healthy food. I also picked up some more bananas - they taste wonderful here and I believe are a bit sweeter and with a richer banana flavor than in the US. Today we'll pick up Akul since his plain arrives at 6:30 and then we'll head straight to La Ceiba and our guest home where we'll be staying for 5 weeks. I'm excited to finally jump into the project and to have a good orientation week. :)

Arrival in Honduras

Finally I'm here. I've waited a long time to finally return to Honduras and actually implement the project I've been planning this full year. I'm unbelievably excited to be here, to learn more about Honduran culture, challenge my abilities as a leader, and do something meaningful with the skills I have to offer. I'm also quite nervous. I'm afraid that what I have to offer is not enough, that I'm not up to this monumental challenge of community service in a striking new form. I think what will pull me through is keeping an open mind throughout all of the fluctuating plans, uncertainty, and fear. I hope to stay confident and yet to also know my limitations as a leader and as a volunteer.

It's pretty crazy here already. I just arrived yesterday, but already we've spent a lot of time exploring the city of San Pedro Sula. We're waiting here another full day and night for our last team member to arrive. There are all sorts of fast food places in San Pedro Sula - more than I would have ever expected to find in Honduras. In the "centro" - the small downtown area of the city with a beautiful waterfall located between the church and the municipal center - there is a corner where Pizza Hut, KFC, McDonalds, Wendys, Burger King, and Popeyes Chicken all intersect. The church is monumental and gorgeous - it has statues of Christ on the cross and beautiful stained glass windows. I would guess that it's about a third the size of the Duke chapel - which is a huge edifice here. Compared to La Esperanza - the town I stayed in last summer for a week - San Pedro Sula is noticeably noisier, more bustling with urban life, and not as run down. There are paved streets, not as many open gutters as La Esperanza, and a close-up view of Honduras's beautiful mountains. Interestingly enough, there's a Coca-Cola sign quite similar to the infamous Hollywood sign, and it lights up at night. Who would've thought there could be so much big company presence in a country so weathered down by poverty, poor health conditions, and crumbling infrastructure?
On a different note, the people here are very friendly and since I definitely stand out like a sore thumb, people speak English with me if they know it. Unfortunately, I find myself fumbling a bit over my Spanish even though I can sense that I have a stronger grasp on the language than I did last year when I came here and was really stumbling over my words. I hope I can pick up more Spanish here and really use mine to the full capacity that I know I have the potential for.
It's exhausting here with a seemingly endless supply of heat and humidity that literally evaporates all my sweat and water away to replenish the sticky air. I find myself drinking more water than usual yet I don't really use the bathroom as much. It's been nice, tho, to have a day to fully rest and orient ourselves a bit to Honduran culture. The market we visited today was filled with small hand-made crafts, jewelry, scarves, fabric, vegetables, fruit, clothing, hats, shoes, foreign DVDs and CDs, purses ... truly everything you could imagine. There was even a place where women were hand-making the little tortillas that I love here. It's a wondrous sight - the people here have so many goods in their street vendor cards and small umbrella stands in the market. I was truly in awe. I hope that in time they will sell their goods. It seems like no one sells too much of it... but everyone passes the time sitting at their cards, walking and approaching people on the street to buy their goods, and generally sitting or walking. I've seen a lot of cars here - and it still amazes me that there are paved roads here quite similar to the US. I hope that I'll continue to be blessed with noticing more cross-cultural similarities between the people here and people I know from home. I know at the core that the "Hondureños" have kind hearts and are very nice and friendly. I'm excited to learn more about Honduras and to embark on this monumental responsibility - to work together with the communities here to do some great work. :)

drawing

I felt like drawing today. I put on some classical music, checked out a drawing book from the library, and set out to do an accurate drawing. I hope I mastered it. I'm hoping to keep up with my sketching while in Honduras. I've posted my finished drawing and hope I can add more while I'm in Honduras - some of the beautiful landscape deserves some attention. :)

Project HEAL Preparation

So I'm a Duke student going to Honduras this summer. I'm busy in the midst of packing up my life into boxes and also making some final preparations for my journey to Latin America. I have a nice checklist of what preparations I need to make in the next month. I'm a bit nervous, quite excited, and overall so grateful that Duke has presented me with this opportunity to learn more about life, time, friendship, and how to be flexible yet still successful.

I hope to learn a lot from this experience, offer the whole of myself to serve the rural Honduran communities where I'll be living for two months, and generally (tho it's cliché) make a difference.

I'd like to shout out a warm thank you to all the people that have helped me along the way this year in making this possible - particularly the congregation of St. Paul's Lutheran Church, whose donations will be incredibly valuable to my team and to the Honduran children we'll serve.

I'll continue posting updates (just a few) indicating our stage of excitement and preparation before the trip, and I'll blog on a weekly basis and perhaps even more often while I'm in Honduras.

Yay for Project HEAL!! :)